I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
