my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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