Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
