Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
