The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
