Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
