I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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