im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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