he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He passed out mid-signature
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bring me that man meat
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