Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize