beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize