Umm I'm too high to move.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
