so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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