next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
