i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
