After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
