Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
