My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
