I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
