my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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