You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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