Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
