Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
