Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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