I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so that wasnt chicken after all
she woke up with a sticky ear
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
