So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
