When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
