I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
