That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
