She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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