the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
