Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
