very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
