New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
