why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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