I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
