I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize