you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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