i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
