Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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