I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
