WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
