Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
