I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
