dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
