Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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