Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
