Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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