pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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