my phone needs a breathalizer
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
