I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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