he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
