she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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