it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
