shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
