I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
