textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
